Don’t Take It Personally: Responding to Criticism Without Losing Self-Esteem

Reclaim Psychotherapy
Oct 20
4 min read

Criticism is something we all face. Whether it comes from a partner, a colleague, or even a stranger, it can sting — sometimes far more than we’d like to admit. A single comment can suddenly make us question ourselves and overshadow the progress we’ve made.

But here’s the truth: criticism doesn’t define your worth. In fact, much of it has less to do with you and more to do with what’s happening on the other person’s “screen” — their perceptions, emotions, and needs.

Why Criticism Hurts So Much

When someone criticizes us, it often awakens our inner critic — that harsh inner voice that says, “See? They’re right, you’re not good enough.” This double attack (from outside and inside) can erode self-esteem quickly.

The first step in protecting yourself is to remember:

True self-worth is stable. It doesn’t rise with praise or fall with criticism (even if these things may feel bad). People with high self-worth give themselvs permission to be human, meaning they accept that they will mess up, fall short, and receive critcism from time to time, but they know these are inevidible parts of being human rather than markers of defectiveness.
Criticism (and the way it's communicated) often reflects more about the critic’s mood, beliefs, needs, or communication skills than about who you are.

A helpful mantra to carry with you: “What’s on their screen?”

Instead of assuming the criticism is a direct reflection of your worth, remind yourself that it’s filtered through the other person’s emotions, past experiences, and perspective.

Complaints vs. Criticism: Why the Difference Matters

It’s important to distinguish between a complaint and a criticism:

A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or situation. It might sound like:

“I’m frustrated you didn’t call when you were running late. I worried something had happened.”

A criticism attacks the person, not the behavior. For example:

“You’re so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone else.”

Here’s the key: others have a right to bring complaints to us from time to time. In healthy relationships, complaints are normal and can lead to problem-solving and repair. But when your inner critic is strong, even a valid complaint can feel like an attack, triggering shame or self-blame.

If you notice yourself spiraling after hearing a complaint, pause and ask:

Is this about a behavior I can address, or am I telling myself it means I’m a bad person?
Am I reacting to what was said, or to the shame it stirred up inside me?

By slowing down in this way, you can respond more constructively: hearing the concern without collapsing into self-criticism.

Common (But Unhelpful) Ways We Respond

Many of us fall into one of three patterns when responding to criticism:

Aggressive: Counterattacking (“Oh yeah? Well you…”). This may shut someone down short-term but often escalates conflict and inhibits us from being accountable in ways that could possible improve our relationships.
Passive: Agreeing, apologizing, or withdrawing, even if the criticism isn’t fair. This chips away at self-esteem.
Passive-aggressive: Agreeing on the surface but “getting even” later (often unconsciously). This creates mistrust and resentment.

None of these approaches truly protect your self-worth.

Healthier, Assertive Ways to Respond

An assertive response means holding onto your self-esteem while addressing the criticism. Here are three techniques you can practice:

1. Acknowledgment

When the criticism (or complaint) is fair, a simple acknowledgment works best:

“You’re right, I did forget to send that email. Thanks for reminding me.”

No lengthy apologies, no beating yourself up, no defending— just a clear acknowledgment, and if applicable, accountable action.

2. Disarming

When the criticism is exaggerated, unfair, or unhelpful, you can agree in part, in probability, or in principle. For example:

Criticism: “You’re always late!”
Response: “You’re right, I was late today.”

This diffuses the tension without surrendering your whole sense of self.

3. Probing

When criticism is vague, ask for specifics:

“Can you give me an example of what you mean?”
“What would you like me to do differently?”

This shifts the conversation from vague attacks to concrete requests.

Putting It Into Practice

Next time you’re criticized, or hear a complaint, pause and remind yourself:

Often, this is about their “screen,” not about my worth.
A complaint about my behavior doesn’t mean I’m defective.
I can choose to acknowledge, disarm, or probe.

With practice, you’ll find criticism less overwhelming and complaints easier to navigate. And most importantly, your self-esteem stays intact.

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